Laughter is the best medicine, or so they say...
'The worst thing about dying of a helium overdose would be that no one would take your last words seriously.'
How cruel can you be? The fear of palindromes is aibohphobia!
Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross says, "It was a whisk he was prepared to take."
An ultra-light plane has crashed into a Ferris wheel in a village north of Sydney, trapping four people, Australian officials say.
Some people dream of being a pilot, others simply fail to see the attraction.
On a scale of one to net, how dyslexic are you?
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his mother were in the new mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Mother?"
The mother (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his mother were watching with amazement, an overweight old man in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the man rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his mother watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old man stepped out.
The mother, not taking her eyes off the young man, said quietly to her son, "Go get your father."
Is it OK if I mix oxygen and potassium?
Sound synch a bit out, but worth watching...
Nintendo have announced a new game based on a cross dressing Scottish midget.
Wii Jimmy Krankie should be in the shops in time for Christmas!
When I was younger, my mum and dad said to me: 'Son, we would rather you didn't get a tattoo, but if you must, make sure you get it somewhere that doesn't matter'
So I did, I got it done in Paisley.
A guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden.
The guy goes into the garden and sees a black mongrel just sitting there.
"I hear you can talk?"
"That's right" the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered I was able to talk when I was a mere pup and I soon realised that I could help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for over eight years. However, the jetting around was really beginning to tire me out. I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down so I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a load of pups and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten Pounds."
The guy says, "That dog is amazing, why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
The owner replies, "Because he's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
'The' quintessential Rikki Fulton Supercop / Taggart sketch
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
If a traffic cop asks you to take a breath test, best NOT to do it like this!
SOME OPTICAL DELUSIONS?
Count the white dots, then the black dots and see which is the greater
Now, move your head slightly to the left then to the right
(Move your eyes slowly from top to bottom and back again)
To Do List While Out Shopping
Buy a cheap padlock and clip two loaded, unattended trolleys together.
Slip a 12 pack of condoms into a married couples trolley.
Take all inside pages out of the daily Star and cover with outside of The Scotsman and replace on shelf. (although actually not a lot of difference now)
Buy four piglets and paint 1, 2, 3 and 5 on the back, let them loose and watch security trying to find number 4
VERY classy dance routine!
Unknown Famous Last Words
Are you sure the power is off?
Don't be so superstitious.
Hey, watch this!
It's probably just a rash.
This doesn't taste right.
This planet has an atmosphere just like on Earth.
What does this button do?
What time does your husband come home?
I wont tell anyone.
This is good shi...
I built it myself.
I don't need a helmet.
The man who wrote 'The Hokey Cokey' died age 93. Hardest part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in - and that's when all the trouble started...
I caught my son taking ecstasy tablets.
Just goes to show you can't leave anything lying around when you've got a two year old in the house.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose